Going gray...hurray!

Is it possible to feel younger once you see the telltale signs of getting older? For example, while drying my hair today, I noticed that I am starting to see a few gray hairs. It got me thinking. My mother doesn't even have gray hair or at least I can't see any. Granted, my hair is dark and they show up a lot better than they do in my mother's blonde hair. My mother acts a hell of a lot younger than I do, so maybe that's why. Who knows? The point of all of this babbling is this: The gray hairs didn't make me feel old.

A couple of years ago as I was approaching 35, I felt like a very old, very out of touch, very not with it aging hag. Sounds harsh, I know, but this is how I felt. It was completely unreasonable and probably not warranted, however, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not aging well. I had lots of things on my mind and had convinced myself that I had to have reached a certain place in my life when I turned 35. I should have finished college, settled down some, had a great job, etc. Although I had actually done all of these things, I just wasn't satisfied. In the course of getting all of these things done, I had almost completely forgotten how to have fun.

Sure, I still went out to sing karaoke on the rare occasions when my husband and I could get a sitter for our daughter. We also managed to do a few fun things as a family, but there was all of this stress. This bunch of crap that made the fun almost too much of a chore to bother with. So, as you might have guessed, we made some changes or at least I did. I started trying to find ways to get in touch with the old me. Well, not the "old" me, but the previous me. The one I used to actually like. I started trying to make time for my own hobbies and things that used to make me happy. Before long, these little steps added up to one big shift in my attitude. By the time I turned 36 this year, I felt much better about life. Granted, I still have some days, as every woman does, when I feel like an old hag. The difference now is that I'm actually looking forward to turning forty. The gray hairs made me smile a little because I know now that they aren't going to mean I can't be myself. They just mean I'll look more distinguished while I'm being me. ;)

Until next time...



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The Morning After...

Yesterday, I turned 36. Without much fanfare, but nonetheless, it happened. I had been wondering how this birthday would hit me since last year I nearly had a meltdown over turning 35. Thankfully, I maintained my composure and was actually ok with the whole thing. After all, 36 is one of those non-events we all go through. It isn't a milestone birthday. There really wasn't anything attached to this particular age for me. Last year, I had set myself up to be disappointed because I hadn't had more kids or done more with my life. This year, I'm thinking, "Hey, what the hell else should you have done? You've been pretty busy, so quit your bitching."

I usually look at my birthday as a time to make resolutions. It's a time to decide once and for all what the priorities for the next year will be. So, this year I have just two things that I want to accomplish. The first is to finish losing the weight I've been trying to lose for the past five years. The second is to finish writing this book, Keeping the Faith and find a wonderful publisher who will help me take my work to the next level. Actually, I should probably try to figure out what the next level might be before I start looking for publishers. I'm not even sure what level I'm currently on.

The long and short of it is that I'm finally giving myself a break. I'm no longer going to beat myself up for not having met someone else's personal idea of who I should be. I'm grown and I have my own goals to meet and my own crosses to bear. If my goals don't meet with someone else's expectations of who they want me to be, who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore...hell, I'm on my way to 40. I don't have time for self-depricating bullshit like that. I'm happy and so far, I have been fairly healthy. For that I am thankful and I'll keep on working towards the things that I think will keep me that way. Shouldn't we all?

Until next time...

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