Thoughts for today...writing, living, feeling...

For those of you who don't know, it's been a rough year for my family. We've had several things that didn't quite go our way. The economy sucks, my presidential candidate isn't going forward in the election, gas is too damned expensive and I can't seem to get my frigging car (which I just bought in April) to run from one place to another. These things, on top of a miscarriage and my husband's nine week long recovery from knee surgery were enough to drive me almost completely crazy. It's just been one shit storm after another. So, what keeps me from going completely crackers? Well, I'd have to say that aside from my daughter, my writing is the one thing I can count on to make me happy. No matter what else is going on, I can go to writing and put my feelings, however shitty, down on paper. I can choose to share these thoughts or keep them to myself. I can write angry or I can write happy, it really doesn't matter. The point is, I write.

Times like these make it difficult to concentrate on major writing projects such as my mystery series, but I have found that simply taking the time to jot down notes about what I would like to have happen in my book is a very effective way to gain ground. As a matter of fact, I have recently uncovered several scribblings that I made at various points during the past few months which made wonderful additions to what I am writing. I have written and rewritten Keeping the Faith at least three times now and I'm finally starting to like what I see. It is frustrating for someone like me, a person who hates rough drafts and rewrites, to continually revamp a story. I think, however, that this means I am growing as a writer. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I have been saying for the past six months that Keeping the Faith will be ready for publication by this Fall and I am diligently working toward my self-imposed due date. The setbacks have been tough, but I can always come back to the writing after a bad day. It keeps me going and reminds me that there is something in my life over which I have at least a little control. When all else fails, I can decide who lives or dies in my books. I decide who wins and who loses. I can make someone sick, and I can heal that person if I so choose. It's delusion at its finest. Although it doesn't make up for what I have lost in real life, writing does give me an outlet through which I can process the pain and the feelings that sometimes get lost in the daily shuffle. I can say what I need to say in any way I want to say it and this is very important when life is handing you a bunch of lemons.

It's probably obvious to you all that I'm a thinker, one of those analytical, what does it all mean types who drives everyone around me crazy. I love to pick things apart; sometimes I simply can't help myself. I just hope that my analysis of things is at least entertaining enough to keep you reading. If it isn't, I'll still keep writing. Complain if you like, hell, complain even if you don't like to, it's good for you. The point is, if you've got something to say then say it. It matters, even if it only matters to you.

Until next time...



Subscribe to Benston Blogs by Email

Today's Question

I guess that would be, "What exactly is today's question?" Things seem so blah these days that I have little inspiration to write. I don't want to focus on the negative, so I've been keeping alot to myself these days. Other than the occasional MySpace survey, I haven't been sharing much. So, I guess I will take this opportunity to do a little sharing whether or not I really feel like it. In a couple of weeks, I'll be coming up on the anniversary of a nasty injury that kept me sidelined for much of September, October and part of November last year.

Last September, I had a heart cath done as a precautionary measure. I had been feeling alot of pain and was certain that I was going to have a heart attack. Thankfully, they found nothing to show that my fears were warranted. I left the hospital after several hours and came home feeling at peace for the first time in a long time. About twenty-four hours later, I started having pain in my leg. I told myself it was just some residual pain that would go away with time. As it turned out, the pain stayed and I went back to the hospital to have them check it out. They told me that it was nothing and even said, "Go home and take some Ibuprofen, you'll be fine."

I did as I was told. I came back home, I took the Ibuprofen, I laid down. About six hours later, I thought I was going to die. My leg felt like it was going to explode. It had swollen up to about three times its usual size and I was hurting. By the time I got to the hospital, I was in so much pain, I couldn't think. They ended up having to give me two units of blood and I was in the hospital for three days. I had bled out from the procedure and had lost about a third of my blood. All of which had settled in my poor, swollen leg. It took me about three months to be able to walk without pain. I still have some pain from time to time, but for the most part it is back to normal.

As I sit here today, I think about how lucky I am that things are actually back to normal and that I can sit comfortable at this computer and write this piece today. Although it may not seem relevant to whatever is happening in the world today, the experience really put some things into perspective for me. Aside from scaring the hell out of me, it made me realize that sometimes if you don't slow down, God will reach into your life and slow you down. I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe in God. Had it not been for His intervention, I would never have made it through and had the appreciation I have for simply taking my time. So, as you flip through the channels today or page through the newspaper, try not to be too discouraged by what you see. Take some time to think about how you got here and what you want to do with your time and don't forget to take it easy when you need to. It will all still be here tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Time for new things

It feels like it's time for a change. Not a change of location or a change of jobs or anything like that, but a change of perspective. I've spent a great deal of time worrying over the past year. This time last year, we were moving back to Springfield and I was worried about money and how all of the changes of the previous months would impact my family. Today, it feels like we've tied up alot of the loose ends that were strangling me. I finally feel comfortable with our choices and am motivated to go forward.

The first thing on my list of things to do is to finish the third installment in the Rona Shively series. I've been working on it here and there, but I keep getting sidetracked by one thing or another. I'm about sixty pages into it and I'm not sure I like the direction it has taken. I'll most likely end up going back through and deleting the things I don't like before I can write another page.

The second thing on the list is to start compiling the data I've collected for the Women's Self-Esteem book. This project is very important to me and I'm hoping to make more of it than just another title on my list. Not that my other books aren't important to me, but I have a real interest in doing something that will be helpful to other women. So far, the responses I've gotten to my surveys have been wonderful and I can't wait to start writing.

The last big project I have planned for this year (mind you, my year is running from September to August for some reason) is a semi-autobiographical book that I have wanted to write for many years. I have some great ideas for it including some interesting information from my father's childhood home in Beattyville, KY. This one's a huge project, so it will take a while to get it going.

I'm excited about the prospect of getting these stories on paper. It will make the struggles seem worthwhile. All of this and for the first time in a long time, I feel content. The only thing I'm worried about now is losing my bad attitude. Whatever will I do without my negativity?

Until next time...

Give up the funk!

This is what I keep telling myself. I am in a funk about turning 35 on Friday. I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling that I'm at a major turning point in my life. Right now, I'm as happy as I could probably be. I have everything I need, though it wouldn't hurt to have more money. Of course, even when I had more money, it would have been nice to have more than that. I'm not even sure what good it would do. After all, the more you have, the more you spend.

In any case, turning 35 has me worried. I've been a worrier all my life, but now, I am a little overwhelmed with it. I've been reflecting alot lately on what else I have to offer. I'm past the age where I feel I can safely or sanely have more children. I've finished school a couple of times and they simply will not let me borrow more money to do something different. I've written two books and am now working on a third. I've been on a plane, I've traveled a little, I've even met Jerry Springer. What else is there?

Well, there used to be a very long list of things I wanted to do, but it has since been replaced by only one goal: living to see my daughter grow up safely and helping her get through life. Outside of that, everything seems trivial. Perhaps this is a temporary funk. I hope so, at least. There are still some things I would like to do, I just need to give myself permission to want them again. Once life gets rolling, it's hard to stop the train of guilt and obligation from running you down.

I think what I'll do is this: Stop worrying! Shit, it's bound to pass. After Friday, I'll still be the same crazy chic that wrote this post. I'll just have a new number attached to myself. Who cares, really? I still have my sense of humor. Actually, on Friday, I think I will make up a new list of things I want to do with the next thirty years. Seems like a worthwhile project for someone who's having a bit of a crisis. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Until next time...

Slowing Down

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to slow myself down and enjoy life. Over the past few months, I've been trying to back off from taking on too many projects and now that I've phased some things out, I'm going a little nuts. I get to a point where I just need to have something going on. While most people seem to enjoy the sounds of silence, it makes me feel as though I should be in a rubber room somewhere.

The point of my slowing down was to allow me to enjoy the time I have with my little girl before she has to go to school. I have a couple of years, but I wanted to make the most of the time. When I had my little girl, I was a very different person. I wanted to get to the top of that career ladder and teeter there on the brink of insanity for the next thirty years. Now, I find it hard to even prop the ladder against a wall. It's funny how our priorities change once we become parents. I know I never would have dreamed that I would leave a prestigious position with a well-known organization to stay at home and be a mom. But for me, the mommy gene and the corporate career gene simply aren't able to coexist.

So, I sit here every morning making my rounds on the internet. Before she wakes up, I check e-mail, update websites, update blogs, look for interesting stuff, check the obituaries to make sure I haven't passed on, and then I think about all of the things I used to get done before 9 a.m. when I had a "real job." I can't believe I ever put myself through that. Now, when my daughter wakes up, I'm here and she doesn't feel pressured by my hurrying to get her to a babysitter. It has made a significant change in her. One that is worth at least giving up a relatively large salary. She's happy, she's having fun and I think she feels more secure.

I'm approaching my thirty-fifth birthday and it has become clear to me over the last few years that life is much more than how much you can bring home on your paycheck. If you can't get something more from the work you are doing than simply cash rewards, then it probably isn't even worth doing. I feel more fulfilled at this point in my life than I ever did before. Although it scares me to slow down, I am comforted by the knowledge that it has made a very positive impact on my daughter. She sees that she is more important to me than anything else and that it is possible to choose a path that fits what is in your heart.

Until next time...