Long time, no post...

It's been almost a month since my last post and I'm really forcing myself to sit down and write this one. You see, it's been a rough month. On May 1st, I moved out of my husband's home and set out to live on my own. I took my daughter, my cats, and my stuff and that was that. The move had been a long time coming and didn't seem to make sense to some people who thought that everything in our marriage was just peachy. But in so many ways, it was clear that we had become two people who were moving along on very different paths and in directions opposite one another.

Why write this now? Well, because I'm sitting here and I'm wondering what to do with myself and writing seemed like a good option. I'm not going to go into great detail about our differences here. The point I'm trying to make with this post is that sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. Like for instance, I have been trying and trying and trying to write this book on Women's Self-Esteem for the last three years or so. Every time I got started on it, I would stall. I couldn't get past the fact that I was feeling so unempowered in my own relationships that I had no business writing anything to empower anyone else.

I'm not sure if the changes I have made in my life will make a difference in my ability to go back and finish that book or not, but I'm sure they will play a huge role in my decision to keep or scrap the whole thing. And who knows? Maybe I just liked the idea of writing something like that because I needed to feel empowered. Maybe that isn't the book I'm supposed to write. Maybe I'm meant to write something altogether different from what I once thought I needed to say. I know one thing; forcing the issue doesn't make it any easier to write the words. Just like forcing myself to stay married didn't make it any easier to love my husband.

There are things we hold onto, for whatever reason, that sometimes only serve to give us a good excuse not to be what we are meant to be. If we allow ourselves to remain stuck in the belief that the idea we had about ourselves years ago is still the best idea even after years of changes, triumphs, defeats, achievements, failures, ups, downs, losses and gains, then we will never move any further along our paths than where we once stood. And we'll stand there, gazing longingly into the great beyond wondering what the hell we're doing still standing there.

I for one, hate standing still. I try to be a good person and do what makes others happy. Sometimes, though, it isn't possible to make everyone happy no matter how many ways you twist yourself up. Sometimes, you just have to let it all unravel and see what you can make from the pieces once it's all been disassembled. I figure I'll approach it like the guy on Airplane! who looks at his newspaper and says, "I can make a hat. I can make a brooch..." Seems like an optimistic way to go and a hell of a lot more fun that what I've been having lately.

Hanging in there until next time. ;)


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Time for new things

It feels like it's time for a change. Not a change of location or a change of jobs or anything like that, but a change of perspective. I've spent a great deal of time worrying over the past year. This time last year, we were moving back to Springfield and I was worried about money and how all of the changes of the previous months would impact my family. Today, it feels like we've tied up alot of the loose ends that were strangling me. I finally feel comfortable with our choices and am motivated to go forward.

The first thing on my list of things to do is to finish the third installment in the Rona Shively series. I've been working on it here and there, but I keep getting sidetracked by one thing or another. I'm about sixty pages into it and I'm not sure I like the direction it has taken. I'll most likely end up going back through and deleting the things I don't like before I can write another page.

The second thing on the list is to start compiling the data I've collected for the Women's Self-Esteem book. This project is very important to me and I'm hoping to make more of it than just another title on my list. Not that my other books aren't important to me, but I have a real interest in doing something that will be helpful to other women. So far, the responses I've gotten to my surveys have been wonderful and I can't wait to start writing.

The last big project I have planned for this year (mind you, my year is running from September to August for some reason) is a semi-autobiographical book that I have wanted to write for many years. I have some great ideas for it including some interesting information from my father's childhood home in Beattyville, KY. This one's a huge project, so it will take a while to get it going.

I'm excited about the prospect of getting these stories on paper. It will make the struggles seem worthwhile. All of this and for the first time in a long time, I feel content. The only thing I'm worried about now is losing my bad attitude. Whatever will I do without my negativity?

Until next time...