Making sense...

I recently had an article published in Alive Magazine called "Empty." The article is about my struggles with multiple miscarriage and how I have coped with my losses. You can read the article here. I'm hoping that this article will be helpful to women who have had the same experience.

Until next time...

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No phone calls, please...

Ordinarily, I will not entertain phone calls from organizations looking to solicit. Whether they want me to buy something, donate something or just complete a survey; I generally tell them within the first five seconds that I don't want them to call me again. This happens just before I hang up on them. I don't like to be pestered with that stuff, especially night after night. I shit you not, in one night, I received three calls from various deputy's associations asking me to support their causes, one recorded message from John McCain(I have no idea how he got my number), and another call from some magazine wanting me to renew my subscription. Jesus, people, enough is enough.

On the rare occasion that I allow telemarketers to speak to me, I have been known to tell them that I don't have enough money to buy a gallon of gas, much less contribute to funding a cause I don't believe in. That's always a fun conversation. Tonight, however, I was feeling rather charitable. No pun intended. I received a call from an organization which I fully support, asking me to sign a petition regarding the availability of medication to end pregnancies. I've been struggling alot with this issue. As you may or may not know, I have had some difficulty maintaining pregnancies over the years. In fact, I'm coming up on what was to be the due date of our second daughter in just a few weeks and I've been having some trouble with it. It didn't seem like the best time for them to have approached me with this topic, but I stopped myself from snapping at the poor girl on the other end of the line because I realized that my personal feelings about this issue were also affected by another challenge I faced many years ago. When the girl asked me if I would allow them to e-mail me a petition to sign, I was surprised to hear myself saying, "Yes."

Torn between my feelings about not being able to have another child and having also been the victim of a sexual assault during my early twenties, I found that I had no choice but to say, "Send me the e-mail." I realized as I thought about her question that as difficult as it has been for me to have a child, I'm not sure I could have lived with becoming pregnant as the result of a rape. I was lucky. Although it has been over fifteen years, if I let myself think too much about what happened I still feel as victimized as if it were happening today. To put it mildly, it's a terrible thing to have gone through and I sympathize with any woman who has had to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy that was the result of such an attack.

I do not, however, look at terminating pregnancy as an issue to be taken lightly. I have strong opinions, due to my own struggles, about whether or not this is a good idea. It only makes sense that every woman would have her own opinions and concerns about the matter. Depending upon your experience with sex, pregnancy, relationships, children, etc., you're going to see this issue differently than the woman sitting next to you. The point is, you can't make this topic fit neatly into anyone's idea of what is right and wrong. That's why I let the girl speak and that's why I ultimately agreed that I would sign this petition. Any woman who has to make this choice, has enough to worry about. They certainly don't need me working against them on the basis of some standard of morality that I set for myself. That standard simply doesn't apply to anyone but me. It is my idea of what's right, of what I could live with.

This post is alot touchier than those I usually put up. After weeks of blogging about the election and our choices in candidates, I was a little worried that readers might think I was getting too mouthy or too politically involved. Well, sorry if that's your take. I simply believe that it is very important for women to talk about these issues and to take an active role in making the big decisions in their lives. While I enjoy blogging about my writing, I can't do that honestly without writing about these kinds of topics. They are the types of things that influence and motivate me to write. Without them, it wouldn't matter.

I still don't want to be called by solicitors during dinnertime and I definitely don't want to be pestered to death by recorded phone calls from political candidates. I do however, want to make decisions based on what is best for most people and what makes the most sense outside of what are basically my own personal preferences. I don't want to be part of a problem that stems mainly from people who are more concerned with protecting their egos than acting in the best interest of people in need. So, now you know. If I'm on your list of people to call, keep this in mind.

Until next time...


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Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...

Evidently. In thinking about some of the things that have been in the news lately, I realized that in the first Rona Shively book, In the Wash, I might not have given the issue of Gender Reassignment its due. Being the concise writer that I am, I didn't dwell on the mechanics of the process undergone by the missing character in this story, however, I did touch on the emotional distress that she was in during her brief marriage to Rona's client, Mr. Delvecchio.

We've all been hearing about the pregnant man, Thomas Beatie. At the time that the story broke, I was pregnant with our second child and having had several miscarriages in the past, I understood his motivation and I didn't necessarily begrudge he and his wife of being able to carry and deliver a healthy child. Whether I agreed with their approach or not, I understood the pain of not being able to bring a child into the world and trying to find some way to make it happen. Sadly, at our sixteen week mark, we discovered that we had miscarried once again and as I looked back at the story about the pregnant man, I became angry. I was not only angry at him, I was angry at just about anyone who was able to have a baby. This was irrational, of course, and definitely a short-lived reaction. But it was a gut reaction to our loss and I have since been able to process it with a little more compassion in my heart.

Thomas Beatie was, at one time, a woman. For whatever reason, she decided that she wanted to be a man. I'm not sure why, but she also decided to keep her female reproductive organs. Since, according to his article in the March 26 edition of the Advocate.com online newsletter, sterilization is not required as part of gender reassignment surgery, he decided to maintain his reproductive rights as a female. This turned out to be a good decision for him because he and his wife wanted children and as it turned out, she was unable to have them. Although it wasn't a popular or even practical idea, Thomas decided that he would attempt to carry a child. He stated that, "Wanting to have a biological child is neither a male nor female desire, but a human desire." I have to agree.

After five miscarriages, we still very much want another child. We were fortunate enough to have a wonderful daughter four years ago, but we have always wanted to give her a sibling. Although intriguing, I can't imagine having my husband carry a child for us even if he were physically able to do so. I have always felt that women share a special bond with their children that men miss out on. The experience of carrying a child would definitely give men the perspective that I feel they have been lacking when it comes to child rearing, but the idea pretty much scares most people to death because it is so far from traditional beliefs about childbearing and gender issues. While it may not be part of the Divine plan, it's happening for the Beatie family.

As I think about it, our society has always viewed anything related to transgenders with either contempt or a strange mix of scorn and compassion which comes out through humorous portrayal of their plight. For me, it is a tough issue to wrap my mind around. I have always been comfortable with my sexual identity as a female. The only times I have wanted to be a male have been related to being able to pee in inconvenient places or when it was time to get a raise. Not to make light of the situation, but for me, it has never been part of any internal conflict. So I can't imagine how difficult life would be if I were struggling with wanting to be a different gender.

I have never felt that it was my place to judge people or to dictate how people live their lives. I grew up with only limited exposure to church and conventional religion and have been open to the ideas of different groups as they relate to a Higher Power. Most of what I learned along the way seems to have pointed to how wrong it is to do something like what Thomas Beatie is doing. But for me, there is some conflict involved in judging him so harshly. He doesn't answer to me and I certainly don't have the power or authority to say whether or not he is right or wrong in what he is doing. It's all wrapped up in fate, karma, and just what feels right for me. As long as I am doing what I believe is right and I'm not trying to inflict any emotional or physical pain on anyone, I feel that I am doing what my God wants and expects me to do. In short, I am no longer angry and I wish the Beaties all the best in their quest to grow a family.

In my book, In the Wash, Lucy Deardon's character was plagued by a desire to be something other than what she was. She tried and tried to adjust to life as a female, but, in the end, she decided that becoming a man was the only option that felt right. Along the way, some people were hurt, mostly because they felt that her anguish was somehow a sinister plan to hurt or humiliate them, but it was really all about what felt right for Lucy. Before I wrote this book, I never really thought about the plight of the transgendered. I would watch funny movies like To Wong Foo or The Birdcage and think that these people simply enjoyed cross-dressing. Obviously, there's more to it than this and whether or not it makes sense to me, it will most likely always be an issue.

Until next time...

Baby takes brain, film at eleven!

Amidst the cravings, the morning sickness and the mood swings, it occurred to me that I haven't been blogging much lately. I apologize to those of you who have missed my unbridled wit. All I can say is that I haven't had much brain power lately and I probably won't have anything terribly witty to say until I'm sure that the baby is healthy and that we are going to make it through until my due date in September. I'll do my best, but the most I can offer for now are my observations about this pregnancy as compared to my last:

I have noticed that the cravings this time are slightly more interesting than before. With my daughter, I craved apples and cheese, Stewarts Key Lime soda, and s'mores. This time, I'm craving pizza, angel food cake and Stewarts Orange. Bizarre, but it's better than pickles and ice cream.

It's been four years or so since I had my daughter and I'm starting to remember some of what scared me about this the first time around. The thought of having another c-section and going through the recovery has me a little tense. It wasn't all that easy before, but now that I'm older, I'm sure it will take a bit more of a toll on me. This is fine with me, though as long as the baby is healthy.

My four year old daughter is so anxious to meet her new little brother or sister that she asks me every day whether or not the baby is ready yet. She talks to my stomach and tells me that the baby is saying hello and that it loves me. I enjoy talking to my daughter about what is going on with the baby and explaining to her how she will need to be ready to be a big sister. She's even come up with a beautiful name for the baby if it's a girl. She wants to call her Angelica Bailey. Not bad!

My husband, who will be forty this year is also very excited at the prospect of a new baby. I think he really wanted a big family and the fact that we've had some problems with other pregnancies made us wonder if we would ever be able to have our 2.5 kids. With this new little one, we will have two kids and three Yorkies. That pretty much does it. Who could ask for more than that?

Well, I'll do my best to keep you updated as I go through the next two trimesters. Bear with me, I am so focused on trying to send good energy to the baby that I sometimes can't put together a thought outside of what's going on with the pregnancy. In the meantime, don't forget to check out the From the Shadows horror anthology available at Triad Publishing Group. My short horror story, Eleven is in there along with several other talented authors' works. In addition, if you enjoyed the contest I ran a month or so back, you can get the mini-mystery collection at my Lulu.com store. It's called, A Little Bit of Murder.

Until next time...