Life is too short to bear the burden of someone else's dissatisfaction. Huh? Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm sick and tired of being miserable because someone else can't figure out how to be happy and out of some twisted kind of respect for them, being afraid to go ahead and do what I already know how to do. This is the absolute tip-top of a massive tower of bullshit.
Throughout our lives, we will encounter people who will somehow, whether on purpose or by accident, wrap us up in their own perceptions of who we are and who we are entitled to become. Our choice is to either follow their recommendations and live the way they say we should or we could listen to our own ideas about what we can and can't do and then actually live our lives. The problem is that once we allow someone to dictate who we are and who we are allowed to become, it takes alot of work to get back to our own ideas. Alot of time, energy, patience, determination and real work.
There's nothing like a life transition to throw you into a swirling mess of anger, frustration, and uncertainty. It's like being flushed down a giant toilet and not knowing which ocean you might eventually end up floating in. Wait, did I just liken myself to a giant turd? See, it's rough. It's even affecting my self-image. Seriously, though, I'm in the middle of a struggle that I had no idea I would be facing at this point in my life. I say I had no idea, because for years, I had resigned myself to the notion that I would always have to put my ideas about who I was on the back burner until someone else was comfortable with them. I couldn't be comfortable with them either until the important people in my life were on board. What a backward way of thinking!
I've been talking about empowerment for years, but lately, not really feeling 100 percent empowered in my own life. I've made lots of changes that I think improved the quality of my life and some that might have made it just a little more difficult than it needed to be. Through it all, I was led to believe that I was being accepted for who I was becoming. But, upon arrival at my destination, I was basically told that I had taken the wrong flight and that if I wanted to go where I was going, I couldn't bring a carry-on. Had I known that originally, I would have taken the bus. What the hell am I talking about? No, I didn't take a trip that went terribly wrong, well, maybe I did.
Metaphorically speaking, I guess I did. What I'm saying is that sometimes our relationships hold us back and we think it's our problem. We're told it's our problem, we're made to believe that we are the ones with the problem. In reality, sometimes it's simply that the other players in our little production are following a different script and refuse to edit where it makes sense. Myself, I was born holding a red ink pin and am willing to slash through whatever looks stupid, sounds stupid or just plain is stupid. And so, here I am. Sitting alone on Memorial Day, typing this absurdly poignant piece of bloggery for you, my readers and feeling somewhat relieved that we had this time together.
Have a wonderful holiday, celebrate with family, remember your loved ones who have passed on, and don't forget to be who you are, no matter who likes it.
Until next time...
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Monday, May 31, 2010
Kindly remove your heart from my sleeve, sir...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Cold Pizza and Coffee...
Sometimes, things just don't go together. Or maybe we just think they shouldn't because that's what someone else told us. Say for instance, a writing career and some other full-time endeavor such as being a mother or a wife. Now, don't get all huffy. Give me a moment to explain. It's often difficult to see where one role should end and the other should begin. And sometimes it's impossible to see them ever working together in perfect harmony. If we aren't careful, the two roles may find themselves at odds with one another and one or both may suffer. Unless, of course, we find ways to bring the two roles together into something that not only makes sense, but makes you feel like you've accomplished what you originally set out to achieve.
Years ago, I would never have imagined that I would be writing mysteries while also working at a "day job" and being a wife and mother. If you had asked me six years ago where I pictured myself in the year 2010, I would have said that I'd be working in some non-profit agency, fighting unfair changes in policy and being nearly completely miserable with my life while watching my life pass unsatisfyingly in front of my eyes. And you would have said, "Is unsatisfyingly even a word?" Yes, it's in my dictionary. The one I intend to publish later, but that's another story.
In any case, I would never have thought that I would be an elementary school librarian, a mystery writer and the mother of a five and a half year old daughter. These three things actually do go together in lots of ways, however; sometimes when I'm in the midst of it all, I can't see the connections very clearly. When I'm trying to think of all of the things I need to have finished for my students each day as well as the homework I'll be helping Mya with and the corrections I need to make to my manuscript, it all appears very incompatible. How in the hell can I ever get all of these things to work together?
This morning as I was looking around the kitchen, the answer to this question came to me as I filled my coffee cup and then remembered that there was some cold pizza in the refrigerator that I really wanted to eat for breakfast. Of course, many people wouldn't approve of my choice and some wouldn't think it made sense at all. But for me, it was what I wanted. It was what sounded like a great idea to me and it certainly wasn't going to hurt anyone. So what if I'm mixing breakfast with dinner? Who gives a big shit? Unorthodox? Well, sure. But I'm not hungry anymore and I'm wide awake. So, I achieved this morning's goal.
You're probably thinking, "That still doesn't make much sense." Well, okay. My point is this; what may not seem to make sense to others may be exactly what you need in your life. You are the only one who can make that call and you shouldn't worry about what others might think of your choices. Ultimately, you're the one who will suffer the heartburn and so if it doesn't work out well for you, you take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes our goals don't fit into what others may see as where we should be spending our time or expending our energies. To that, I say, "Too bad for them." If I want pizza with my coffee, that's my business. Let them eat eggs.
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Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Going gray...hurray!
Is it possible to feel younger once you see the telltale signs of getting older? For example, while drying my hair today, I noticed that I am starting to see a few gray hairs. It got me thinking. My mother doesn't even have gray hair or at least I can't see any. Granted, my hair is dark and they show up a lot better than they do in my mother's blonde hair. My mother acts a hell of a lot younger than I do, so maybe that's why. Who knows? The point of all of this babbling is this: The gray hairs didn't make me feel old.
A couple of years ago as I was approaching 35, I felt like a very old, very out of touch, very not with it aging hag. Sounds harsh, I know, but this is how I felt. It was completely unreasonable and probably not warranted, however, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not aging well. I had lots of things on my mind and had convinced myself that I had to have reached a certain place in my life when I turned 35. I should have finished college, settled down some, had a great job, etc. Although I had actually done all of these things, I just wasn't satisfied. In the course of getting all of these things done, I had almost completely forgotten how to have fun.
Sure, I still went out to sing karaoke on the rare occasions when my husband and I could get a sitter for our daughter. We also managed to do a few fun things as a family, but there was all of this stress. This bunch of crap that made the fun almost too much of a chore to bother with. So, as you might have guessed, we made some changes or at least I did. I started trying to find ways to get in touch with the old me. Well, not the "old" me, but the previous me. The one I used to actually like. I started trying to make time for my own hobbies and things that used to make me happy. Before long, these little steps added up to one big shift in my attitude. By the time I turned 36 this year, I felt much better about life. Granted, I still have some days, as every woman does, when I feel like an old hag. The difference now is that I'm actually looking forward to turning forty. The gray hairs made me smile a little because I know now that they aren't going to mean I can't be myself. They just mean I'll look more distinguished while I'm being me. ;)
Until next time...
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A Little Bit of Mystery: Short Mysteries to Confuse and Amuse
